my phone needs a breathalizer
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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