If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
