Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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