my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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