What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
