My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I AM VODKA MAN
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
