Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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