So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
