You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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