Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
