What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
