My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
