i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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