Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
