Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
