I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
