Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Vodka?
Forever.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize