'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
