I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
