I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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