So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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