i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize