don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Couch. On fire.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
