Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sext me about skeletons
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
