Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
