Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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