A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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