There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
