apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
