one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
