I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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