My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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