He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
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