I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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