last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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