i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
