he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
