Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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