dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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