please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
