Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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