I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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