so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
