I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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