My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
