I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
