Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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