I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
