Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
