I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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