my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You can't motorboat a personality
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
