Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
