I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
