onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize