they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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