She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
