She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
