I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
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