just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
