Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
