I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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