why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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