she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
did you just send me my own nude
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
